New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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