I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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