: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
