I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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