even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
