I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
