I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
