Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
