All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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