Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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