I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Come on in and take your pants off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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