Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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