omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
