If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
