Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
