my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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