Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
high people should be assigned attendants
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
