Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Someone came in the potted fern
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
