Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
