My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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