I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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