Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is my gift to your gina
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
