You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
