I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
