I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
