the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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