This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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