Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
