dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
