Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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