Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
