you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
