If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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