I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
