and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
