I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
