well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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