Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
