Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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