I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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