All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
