I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
