I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
