Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
