I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
