apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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