i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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