I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
