you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
