If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
