Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
